


Colour Me Blue

by naijahra



Category: Phandom
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Art, Bisexual Dan, Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Depression, Did i mention fluff yet, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, More Fluff, Painting, Pan!Phil, Pansexual Phil, Photography, Self-Harm, bi!Dan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-17
Updated: 2016-10-12
Packaged: 2018-07-15 16:38:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7230325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/naijahra/pseuds/naijahra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if a boy, whose heart was so full of darkness, that he couldn’t believe in colours anymore, met someone so full of light who slowly painted his world bright again?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

A lot of people say that hope is so much stronger than fear. They are not wrong, but sometimes this is not quite true. Life can beat you down, leave you broken till the light in your eyes is gone. Hope, in fact, is stronger than fear, but it can slowly fade away. Maybe it takes time, but it’s not impossible. The fear often feels like poison pumping through your veins, ready to destroy you. Waiting. Watching every step you take. Till its got you in control, and that’s often when it’s too late. People tell you to get over it, to just be happy and be grateful for your life, but they just don’t know how it feels. The emptiness in your heart, living everyday just to function and then do it all over again.

That was exactly what Dan Howell’s life felt like. Sure, he had a good family, a nice apartment and all in all it sounded like the perfect apple pie life that people wished for. But it actually wasn’t.

Dan couldn’t even tell when it started, but it wasn’t just recently. Some people told him that he acted differently from a few years ago or they said that he looked tired all the time. People also started asking why he always wore long sleeved shirts and not even in summer wore a T-shirt or something similar. It wasn’t as if the brown haired boy never tried to get better. That would actually be a big lie. He started therapy a few years ago and even went to a hospital when his parents had found out that he wasn't getting any better. So he pretty much went through everything a person could dream of. Not. 

He actually was tired of it. Tired of trying to get better. He had changed his therapist about 3 times and now he was just sick of just hearing the word therapy. His parents were basically okay with Dan breaking up the therapy. Yeah, but how parents are there was an If. An actual big If. They would only let him break up when he would do something else instead. Something he liked. 

That actually was quite difficult for Dan, because he wasn’t really interested in anything. Sure, he liked video games and he watched his favourite shows now and then but that actually wasn’t something he could do as for example a group thing. It probably would be strange if there was a group which just met up to watch his shows. 

Dan also liked taking photos, but as soon as he realised he wasn’t that good at it and he hadn’t got any money for a proper camera he gave it up. The only thing he at least a bit enjoyed was art. Dan also didn’t really like his drawings, but it was the only way he could show and describe his feelings and emotions. Even when nobody understood the meaning behind it, and most of the time they said something like, “Oh that looks great” or “This looks pretty deep“, it was important to him. He understood it and that was the only thing that mattered, right?

His parents knew that Dan loved to draw. They always told him that he had talent and should do more to improve it, but then Dan would just go to his room, close his door and listen to My Chemical Romance or something else. He didn’t want to hear that. He didn’t believe them. Not because he didn’t want to, but he just thought that everybody could do that or even better. Probably better.

So when Dan told them that he wanted to break up therapy they already had something in mind. They didn’t tell him, but they secretly looked for something he could enjoy. One day, Dan’s mother went up to his room and knocked carefully on his door. He responded with a slightly annoyed “huh?” when his mother already opened the door. Dan slowly tilted his head in her direction as he paused his music. The first thing that drew his attention was that his mother had a newspaper in her hand. Great did she want him to find a job? Did she want him to move out? Or did someone die? He had no clue at all.

Finally, his mother spoke up, “Dan, look I think I found something for you.” She literally placed the newspaper in his hands so that he had to look at it. The still irritated boy laid an eye on the page and immediately saw an advert about an art class. He rolled his eyes at it. His mind literally screamed at him. He didn’t want to do that. “Mum, no.” was everything he said as he gave the newspaper back to his mother. Or at least wanted to give it back. 

She took a step backwards. His mother looked at him with annoyance. “Dan Howell you wanted to break up therapy, not me. Why don’t you at least give it a try? I always show you things you could do instead and every time you say no. Give it at least a try or you have to go back to therapy.” Dan let out a loud sigh “Fine, you happy now?” she just gave him a smile and went outside the room “I will sign you in” she basically yelled as she already walked downstairs.

Great now Dan had two things he was annoyed of. First of all his door was still open, I mean what’s so difficult to close it? And second this stupid art class. He preferred drawing on his own when nobody could judge him for what he drew. Also in these art classes you often couldn’t draw anything you wanted. 

Furthermore, there were a lot of people. People he didn’t know. Anxiety started to pump through his whole body. At least no more therapy he repeated in his head. He turned on his music again to calm himself down a bit. Ironically, the first song that started playing was I’m not okay from My Chemical Romance. Dan had to smile a bit when he realised how perfect that fit in the current situation and decided to let it play.


	2. Chapter 2

It was slightly warm outside when Dan was on his way to his at the moment biggest fear. The art class. He actually thought of just not going there and pretending that he didn’t skip it but somehow he felt like he had to go there. He put his IPod on shuffle as he walked down the street. It was warm enough for Dan that he was already sweating. Well, this actually wasn’t just the weather it also was the fact that he wore a black sweater as usual. 

But he had no other choice. Dan didn’t want to go to the first ever lesson of his art class with a T-shirt. That probably wasn’t a good idea. Then he would be the freak from the beginning. Great. It would be pretty strange if he would show up there with his arms covered in scars. People would start asking him questions and give him strange looks. No thanks. Only at the thought of it he began to pull his sleeves down even more.

Now he stood there, in front of a big ass building. He didn’t expect it to be that big. He recognized the building. He must have walked past it some day. It wasn’t that impossible as it wasn’t that far away from where he lived.

Dan took a deep breath and started to shove his IPod back into his pocket. His breathing started to get heavier with every second. He didn’t even know where he had to go or what he had to say when he walked in. That actually was a good point, what should he even say? I mean ‘Hello I’m Dan Howell, I’m socially totally awkward and don’t even know how to talk to humans. Oh and I like dogs.’ Didn’t sound really socially acceptable. After a few minutes of trying to calm down and thinking about this cute dog video he just saw he decided to get finally in. With shaky hands he opened the door of the building and immediately started to look around. It looked like some kind of school. Its walls were white like basically everything in there. Seriously, Dan hadn’t seen that much white anywhere before.

As he walked he could hear his own footsteps and a mix of birds outside and some cars driving past the building. The smell of paint filled his nose, but he couldn’t say he hated it. Finally, at the end of the hall there was an empty room on the left. He stopped in his tracks and took a deep breath before he carefully walked into the room as he saw it wasn’t in fact empty. There already were a few people. When Dan walked in he could recognize a girl maybe around 19 years old. Also there was a man and a woman, probably a couple, who were a bit older. Dan tried to find out how old they were. Maybe in their 30’s or 40’s.

They looked at him and he gave them a short smile and then decided to sit down. At least his seat was good. He sat as far away from the teachers place as possible. Thank god, he mumbled to himself with a sight.

As a few minutes passed some other people came into the room, 5 or maybe 10. Dan stopped counting as he looked some stuff up on his phone. That didn’t last long because then their teacher came. It was a young woman with glasses and dark brown hair tied up into a messy bun. She leaned against a table with her arms crossed and said something like “welcome”; “good to see you all” and that we should call her by her first name: Christa. And then she started to tell the class something about herself and how she loved art and why. Dan didn’t really pay attention as he was too busy being a ball of anxiety. Everything is good. You can do this. Nobody even looks at you. After awhile his breathing started to get into a regular rhythm again.

Everything was okay till the teacher spoke up again “Alright, for the beginning I already have something in mind. You all should get a canvas from the small room on the left and some paint. You can take as many colours as you want. To get to know you all first I thought about something that has to do with both music and art.” Now she got Dan’s attention. Music and art were both things he absolutely loved. “I want you all to pick a meaningful quote from a song and write it onto your canvas. And now the art thing; paint the canvas, maybe pick some photos or draw something on it that reminds you of the text. I think you can get to know a lot about people by that.” She added.

Everybody got up and nearly stormed into the room to get all the colours they wanted. Dan slowly made his way to the room, too. He wasn’t in a hurry cause all he needed was a canvas and black colour and maybe some brushes.

As he got everything he dropped back into his seat. He started to put the things onto his table on the right place. He basically just looked onto the blank canvas for some minutes, thinking of what to do. When he realised that he probably looked like a total loser he looked up again and started to tap on the desk with his fingertips. Some seconds later, which basically felt like an hour to Dan he put the brush into his hand, opened the bottle of paint with an unexpected loud plop and put it in some plastic bowl he just found in the room. He pushed his brush into the black colour and began to paint the whole canvas in exactly that colour.

Dan flinched at the sound of another boys voice speaking to him “Are you gonna paint your whole canvas just in black?”  
He lifted his head and glanced to where the voice came from. Dan discovered a tall, black haired boy sitting to his left who had nearly the same haircut as himself. He was wearing a blue button up shirt which perfectly matched his crystal blue eyes. All in all he was just stunning. 

Dan slightly shook his head and inhaled some air before he responded “Yeah, why do you care?”, as soon as he finished speaking he realised how rude this sounded. But seriously why did he care? 

The boy looked away when he continued “I don’t know it’s just kind of.. sad, don’t you think?”

“Whatever”, Dan furrowed his eyebrows and continued to paint his called ‘sad’ painting.

He heard a chair moving a bit closer to him. “I’m Phil, by the way”

Dan looked up again and saw that the boy that just insulted his painting got a bit closer to him, just as much as the other table let him. He put his brush on the table again.

“Dan.” He responded

“Nice to meet you then, Dan”, The blue eyed boy gave him a cheerful smile and hold out his hand.

Dan was a bit confused but still didn’t hesitate to turn around so he could give the pretty boy- Phil, his hand.

Suddenly Phil’s eyes began to grow, Dan even could swear he saw them sparkle with some kind of.. Happiness?

“Does your shirt say Muse? As the band Muse?” 

Now even Dan’s eyes grew a little. He wasn’t used to people knowing his favourite band.

“Yes, Yes it does. You actually know them?” a tiny grin began to spread across Dan’s lips

“Duh, sure. They are my favourite Band.” Okay now Dan giggled a bit.

“Mine, too. It’s strange that somebody actually knows them.” He declared with a happy expression. 

“Yeah sadly I don’t know many people either who listen to them. Hey, what about Panic! At The Disco or-“

“My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy? Yes count me in, Noob” Dan finished Phil’s sentence, who actually had to giggle a bit at his new nickname.

They started to continue to paint their pictures till there was no white dot to see anywhere anymore. They still talked during that and sometimes, maybe a bit more often than just sometimes, Dan glanced at Phil. His eyes were so full of light when he talked about his interests or something he liked, it was gorgeous. Dan didn’t trust people. Even if he tried, he couldn’t. But there was something about Phil. Something special. He was so full of light and hope and when you looked him in the eyes you saw a whole galaxy.  
The sparkle in Phil’s eyes reminded him of stars. Bright, stunning and he could swear, they also were able to light up the darkness in someone’s heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos would mean a lot to me! Thanks a lot for reading! :) (Sorry for the short chapters, the next one will be longer)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a bit longer than expected D:  
> Hope you enjoy reading :) (it's my first fic so please go easy on me)

Later in the evening, Dan got back home. When he arrived he jerked his shoes off and ran clumsily upstairs to his room, it really was a miracle that he hadn’t tripped on his way up. The first thing he did was just throwing himself onto the bed with not one fuck to give what would happen next. He just laid there, breathing in a regular rhythm. He felt his chest moving when he inhaled or exhaled and he immediately closed his eyes when his brain finally realised that he was safe. 

He didn’t care about one thing right now. He was home. He did it. It was over. He had a whole week till his next class and he was really thankful for that. Dan took a deep breath and rolled off the bed landing on his feet. He ran his fingers through his dark brown hair as he stumbled to the bathroom. It was really a gift that he had one attached to his bedroom. The boy lazily threw his hand against the switch to turn on the lights. He closed his eyes when he was almost in front of the mirror above the sink.

When Dan finally opened his eyes again his mood dropped immediately. His hair was a curly mess because of the rain outside. He met the eyes of his reflection and hold the eye contact for some time. Everything he saw was an empty body staring right back at him. It looked like it was possessed or soulless. That wasn’t him. No expression and more important no light anywhere to find. His eyes lost their sparkle years ago and it didn’t return till today. He hated what he saw. His eyes, his hair, his face, his body; Everything. He looked tired, dead. Suddenly, he broke the eye contact. He couldn’t handle it anymore. Why hadn’t he given up already? What hold him here?

The answer was: nothing. Slowly Dan’s eyes began to fill with tears. When he felt the warm tears streaming down his cheeks he lost it. He wanted to scream but he couldn’t. More important, why? Nobody was going to hear him or save him. Nobody understood him and nobody cared anyways. His body was slowly sliding down the wall to the floor. He felt the cold wall through his shirt on his skin. He tugged his hands into his hair with his face down. Between some hiccups and sniffs he heard his heart beating. It was so loud he could hear the blood pumping through his veins. His head hurt like someone just hit him with a rock, or worse. 

How could someone live in this world happily? It was a question Dan asked himself on a daily basis. Suddenly, he remembered when he was a kid. He was happy, had hope and wishes and when he talked he had sparkles in his eyes. Dan saw it on a video lately. It was hard for him to believe that he ever had something like that. He couldn’t remember how it felt, it was like someone stole all these memories and replaced them with numbness. 

Dan never thought that there was light anywhere. He couldn’t see it. After some time, he lifted his head up again, the grip on his hair getting weaker. He narrowed his now red eyes from crying a bit. Wrong. Wrong he repeated in his head. He had seen it. He saw that there was light. He remembered the black haired boy from the art class today. He was so full of light; Dan had never seen it before. When he was with Phil he felt okay. He didn’t know why but he felt happiness for the first time again, today. 

He even laughed a bit when he had talked to Phil, earlier. Phil was kind and understanding. He hadn’t judged Dan once. Finally, the brown haired boy got up again. He ran his hand through his face as he walked into his bedroom and dropped onto the bed once again. As he looked to the ceiling he wondered what Phil was going to write onto his painting. He had painted it in every colour they had. It turned out surprisingly good, actually. Phil hadn’t just mixed every colour together, he had a strict order. First, he had painted it with a few colours. Then he had waited till it was dry and then he had continued. He worked with layers.

When Dan realised he day-dreamed again he noticed that he had a big grin on his face. Why did this boy make him so happy? He could have talked to Phil about his bands and interests for hours, actually. Phil would never ignore him, he would just sit there and listen to Dan or would start to laugh and join in the conversation. Dan completely forgot about the negative aspects of the art class and just thought about that he could see Phil again. Finally he felt at least a bit okay. As he thought so he was actually sad that one whole week was still between them. He just had to survive this whole week.

*  
*

It was raining when Dan began to walk back home. He couldn’t take it anymore, he couldn’t stand himself anymore. He needed a break from everything. He always went outside when he felt like giving up. Trying to shut up his mind and breathing in fresh air. The cold summer air filled his lungs, it was calming.

Dan preferred to go out when it was dark, when the streets were just filled with lost souls and empty hearts. The raindrops were sparkling under the street lights. The boy liked the sound of the rain hitting his umbrella; it reminded him that he was not alone. It even kind of comforted him because nobody would notice when he cried. Lonely puddles reflected the bright traffic lights and only if Dan looked into them he could see a lot of different colours. Sometimes when he stepped into one and created small waves inside of them, the colours mixed in different variations. 

It looked beautiful, like if you let paint drop into a water cup. Not just the colours made Dan grin; also the little sparkles that made it look like some kind of masterpiece. It reminded him of something he had seen before. Suddenly, he remembered it again. The boy with the crystal blue eyes. A little smile began to grow on Dan’s lips as he thought of him again.

 

Not only the colours from the puddle reminded him of Phil, no matter where he saw colours he thought of him. He missed him. He only had seen him once, what didn’t make it less creepy that he couldn’t get him off of his mind. It actually was even a bit pathetic to him.  
But, regardless of how hard Dan tried he couldn’t stop it. He couldn’t even explain why. When he finally stopped to fight his mind, he made a point. Dan wanted to ask him for his number, next time he would see him. So he could maybe even meet him at some point. 

There was nothing wrong with this, right? Everyone would probably do that. He kept that thought in his mind as he continued to walk home. The rain didn’t get less and it even started to get windy. Some single raindrops hit the boy’s face but it didn’t bother him. All he could think of was of the heart-warming smile of the boy with the black hair.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me longer than expected, sorry!  
> Hope you like it! :)  
> (I tried to make it a bit longer this time)

Just another Nightmare, Dan thought as he woke up. He was shaking and sweating and he just stayed still for a minute. Eyes still wide from shock. He took in a deep breath hold it for a few seconds and then exhaled again. He reached with his palm to his face and just now he realised he had cried again. He could remember everything from the dream. Every minute; the worst thing was that he kind of got used to it by now. The most of the nightmares even left him cold. He didn’t care anymore. Just a few scared him nearly to death. He just wanted it to stop. 

Tiredly the boy let his eyes look around the whole bedroom before he finally got up with his still shaky legs and got into the bathroom to get ready, to go to the art class. He didn’t know what he was supposed to think of this. A few days ago he was happy to see the boy again but now he just felt nothing. He wasn’t even sad or anxious he just felt empty. 

Some time passed before Dan packed his backpack, threw it quickly over his shoulder and walked fast down the stairs to get out. Before he did so he grabbed one slice of bread and ate it on his way.

**

And there he was again, back in this really bright building. Only a few pictures covered the blank white walls. It wouldn’t had been that much effort to put at least a few plants in here to make it feel more comfortable. Luckily, Dan knew the way to the room now and didn’t need to search for it first. He didn’t need to walk fast today he still got time. At least he thought so, one look at his phone told him otherwise. 

“Crap.” He murmured to himself but loud enough for others to notice and began to take some steps faster. Great, the door was already closed. The boy gently knocked on the door and began to walk inside the room. Everyone stared at him and all he could manage to say was a quiet ‘sorry’ as he dropped into his seat with his backpack on his lap. It just took some seconds till the other people started to work on their paintings again. A bit out of breath Dan tilted his head in the direction of the black-haired-boys seat. To his surprise it was empty.

Dan suddenly felt his stomach drop. He immediately felt sick and began to panic. He was alone. His gaze flew across the whole room, as fast as he could he scanned the whole room. Not long and his eyes stopped and landed on a person coming out of the room with the art supplies. It was Phil. He just got his canvas and as Dan looked again he even had his canvas, too. Thank god, he was there. He wasn’t alone. His heart began to race a bit quicker than usual. Not because of fear, this was new. He still hadn’t figured out what it was.

When Phil’s blue eyes connected with the brown ones of Dan he instantly began to smile.  
Phil got back to his seat and placed his painting in the middle of his table and then began to walk towards Dan’s.

“Hey, got your painting for you. I thought you wouldn’t come, first, but then I decided to just take it in fact you would show up.” He placed it gently on the other boy’s table.

“Thank you”, he said with a sheepishly smile

“It’s alright. I’m glad you are here, actually.”

Did Dan just hear that correctly? Phil was actually glad to see him. Him?   
There was no way he actually mend it this way, this must have been a mistake.  
Dan rested his head on his palms as he just stared holes into the wall in front of him.  
He slightly jumped as he heard some loud noise. He looked in the direction it came from and saw that Phil just put his bag onto his table. As he opened the bag Dan’s eyes narrowed for a second but then quickly grew bigger again.

“You photograph?”

“Huh?” Phil now looked over to Dan and then back into his bag

“Oh, yeah I do. Well, Sometimes. I thought maybe I could use it today.” He looked at his painting again, “But I don’t think I will need to. I will see.”

“I photograph, too. Well, at least I did. It’s a good camera you have there.” Dan said with a slightly embarrassed expression. Phil probably was great at taking photos, judging by his good camera. Dan was just an amateur. 

“Why don’t you anymore? That’s a shame. It’s always relaxing to just lie in the grass with your camera”  
“Yeah I know. I’m not good at it, you know? I kinda suck” he stroke one finger over his canvas, not looking into the other boy’s eyes.

“I don’t believe you, Daniel. Photography is not about being good; it’s about catching up memories into a picture. Also you can’t be good from the beginning, it takes its time.”

The younger boy raised an eyebrow as he heard his full name, “How do you know my name’s Daniel. I only told you Dan.”

“Magic” Phil began to giggle a bit. It was adorable when he laughed. You could always see his tongue between his teeth.

“Okay no, I just saw it on the desk of the teacher. She has a list with all the names.”

“That’s cheating, Philip.”

“How… How do you know my name now, you weren’t at the desk.” He declared with surprise. Phil furrowed his eyebrows and tilted his head a bit to the left. Oh god how can someone be so adorable.

“Well, if you don’t want people to know you shouldn’t write it onto your bag” He answered amused.

“That’s not fair!”

“Hey, you started to cheat, not me”

Now both started to laugh and Phil couldn’t resist to slightly punch Dan’s shoulder. After they finished giggling Phil dared to look on the clock. The class was almost over.

“Hey, do you already know what to do with your painting?”

“No, not really…” Dan’s expression was slightly sad again. Phil must have recognized it and laid a hand on his shoulder which made him flinch.

“You know what; I wanted to photograph a bit after this class. You could come with me and maybe we find something we could use for your painting. Sounds good?” He had a cheerful smile on his face. Dan would have said no by now and would have came up with some kind of excuse but somehow he felt like doing it. He liked to spend time with Phil. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea.

“Uhm... If you want to. You don’t have to of course.” He mumbled shyly. 

“Of course I want to. I mean you know my full name, now I have to kidnap you” He began to smirk a bit.

“Oh yeah? I wanna see you try, magician.” Dan winked at the older boy and reached for his backpack.

“I know a good place. There are some animals and a wonderful field full of flowers. Would that be good? Or do you want to do one of your tricks and just let some flowers appear with your so called magic?” he teased

“Shht not everybody should know that.” Phil whispered with a huge grin on his face.

“Oh yeah alright, I forgot. Come on let’s go, Dumbledore.”

**

It was pleasingly warm outside when they made their way up to the field where they wanted to go. The mild summer wind blew through their hair which was enjoyable to stay a bit cool.  
After some time passed on their way they began to talk about all kinds of stuff. Dan got to know that Phil was literally obsessed with plants and had plenty in his room. He also played video games and loved Pokémon. He practically had all the same interests as himself, which led them to a lot of long conversations.

It was really nice to talk about his interests with somebody. He had never done that before, because nobody was interested in these kinds of things as Dan was. Now he had Phil and he enjoyed every minute with him. 

After felt hours they arrived at the planned spot. Dan was breathing heavily and let himself fall into the soft grass. He closed his eyes and just laid there.

“Hey, You alright?” If you listened closely you could even hear a bit concern in Phil’s voice.

“I’m dying”

“No you’re not. Get up, Daniel.”

Dan had to cringe a bit at the use of his name 

“It’s Dan, Plant boy, and for your information doing Photosynthesis.”

“If you don’t get up I will just throw myself onto you”

“I wanna see you try” Dan smirked

“I’m taller than you don’t forget that”

“Okay okay, I get up before you do a spell and I wake up as a rabbit or something.”

“I could do that, but rabbits actually move more than you” Phil teased

Dan let out a quiet laugh and threw some grass at Phil and jumped back on his feet. Meanwhile, Phil got his camera out and started to walk across some tall plants.

“You coming?”

“For you always, Philip” Dan teased him one more time before he started to walk faster than usual because Phil was already right ahead.  
Out of breath again the boy finally arrived to where Phil stood. He laid his hand on the taller boy’s shoulder and tried to control his breath a bit.

“What are you, a fucking Ninja?”

“Dan! Don’t use those words around the animals” Phil said quite seriously. 

Dan had to frown a bit “Are you serious?” he asked as if this was a joke.

“Of course. They are still young”

Okay, now Dan couldn’t hide his laugh anymore. “Alright, alright, I swear I will never do this again. Will you forgive me, Phil Lester?”

Phil just let out a sigh and smiled. He focused his attention back on the animals. 

“Here are just Llamas” He discovered.

“Yes, they are my favourite animals.”

Phil grinned a bit.

“What?” Dan asked irritated.

“Nothing it’s just… they kinda look like you” He replied with still that grin on his face.

“Shut up.” The boy snorted.

“Maybe if you ask nicely they will welcome you into their herd.”

“Just take your Photos or I will just walk away with the Llamas.”

Phil gave Dan a last confused look for the volunteered walking part, but then began to take photos of the animals in front of them. Dan watched him during that, but also when he was lucky he got to pet some llamas by fooling them that he had food. After some time Phil began to walk back to his bag, a few centimetres beside of them, kneeled down and reached into it. He got his jacket out of it and placed it firmly onto the soft grass and sat down. When he stared at his camera he carefully patted his hand beside him as a gesture for Dan that he could sit down with him.

The brown-haired-boy walked calmly to the shown spot but stopped in his tracks and looked down.

“You got a space jacket?” he gasped

“Yes, you like it?”

“Oh god yes it’s the best thing ever”

With an excited expression he made himself comfortable next to the other Boy and looked down at the camera, too.

“The Photos are good, though” He acknowledged amazed

“Thank you … you wanna take some yourself?” Phil gestured to his camera as a sign that he could take it

“No thanks, you are a hell of a lot better” 

“Alright, okay” Phil suddenly jumped on his feet again “If you don’t want to you have to do me a favour”

Dan was a bit confused now “What kind of favour are we talking about?”

“See, the Llamas are mostly all brown here… can I take a picture with you and them?”

“What the heck Phil” After a short pause he continued, “Okay, okay fine, don’t look at me with those puppy eyes I’ll do it” he groaned with a slightly annoyed but happy expression and tried to get up as quickly as he could.

Dan kneeled down again and picked a bit of grass with one hand and hold it out to the Llamas. Not even one minute passed and Dan got the attention of one Llama that ate pleasurably the grass out of his hand.

Phil focused his camera on the two and took some Photos. Dan tried to smile the whole time till Phil announced that he finished and sat down again on the jacket. The other boy still continued to feed the animals and one of them even tried to sniff at his face which made him laugh uncontrollably. What Dan didn’t notice was that Phil still took Photos of them.

The younger boy rubbed with his sleeve over his cheek and began to walk back to their sitting spot with still a grin on his face. He let himself drop onto the ground and watched Phil looking at the Photos he took. His eyes grew bigger when he saw the not planned Photos of him and the Llama.

“Hey you said you finished” He slightly pushed the other boy to the side 

“You looked so happy there I had to catch that on here”

“Just admit it you wanted some material to have something against me”

“Maybe” 

Phil still took some photos now and then from a few flowers he thought were pretty or some views he enjoyed when they finally made their way home again.

Midway on their way home it started to rain. Both of them stood still for a minute and both their gazes flew instantly on the space jacket. Phil began to throw it over them both and they began to walk a bit faster and after they realised it wouldn’t get less they even started to run.   
Suddenly Dan stopped at one street.

“I have to go right now, sorry”

“It’s fine. Do you live here?” Phil asked curiously

“No I still have to walk a bit.”

“Okay good, here you can keep my jacket till the next time we see each other” He began to slide out under the jacket so only Dan was left under it in protection.

“No, no thank you, but you need it, too” As he began to hand it over again one hand stopped him.

“Dan It’s fine. Just keep it” He repeated as he started to walk forward again

“Actually no wait” Phil took the steps backwards again and shoved something into the pocket of his jacket.

“Now it’s good, go before I have to kick you”

With these words Dan went right with a smile playing on his face. He must have looked like an idiot but he didn’t care. When he walked the streets he suddenly stopped. He forgot it. He forgot to give him his number. He let out a grown and put his hands into the pockets. As he felt something on his hand he put it alarmed out of it but then reached into it again. It was a piece of paper. He began to unfold it till he could read what was written on it. It was not much, but it was enough to change his mood to happy again.

It was Phil’s phone number with some text scrabbled on it.

‘Just in case you miss your companion, Space boy ;)’


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I'm really late with this chapter!  
> I have to say it might be a bit triggering,  
> anyways, please enjoy! :)

It was early in the morning when Dan last checked his clock. He growled into his pillow in protest and changed his position so he could face his alarm clock again. Why did he do that, he knew it was really early anyway. He just laid there and stared at the really ugly wall in front of him. It had some cracks here and there and its colour was a mix between white and greyish. It was basically not good looking at all but Dan was actually too lazy to change anything about it. 

Another look on the clock: 8am. That was pretty early, too, for the fact that it was Saturday. He didn’t know why but he couldn’t sleep. He would wake up every hour to find himself lying in that dark room staring into nothing just to fall asleep anew and do it all over again. It was strange because the last days weren’t that bad. He texted Phil a lot and they even had those evenings where they would watch the same movie and joke via text about it and send strange screenshots to each other of weird moments that happened in there. All in all it wasn’t that bad. 

But now he lied there, feeling not really good again and thinking of why he let this boy near him like that. He normally didn’t do that kind of thing. His trust issues and his mind wouldn’t let him and he would shut down and wouldn’t let people near him at all. He was afraid of losing them, of disappointing them or hurting them. Also one very important part was that he didn’t want to get hurt himself. To be the failure again that people once had faith in. He always told people that he was complicated and that they should stay away from him but they never believed one word he said. Till one day, and then they would leave him. Alone and empty.

That’s what he felt normally at these days but today was different. He just felt numb. Nothing at all. He tried to think but it felt like someone pulled the plug in his head. He couldn’t think of anything, he couldn’t even bring himself to move. So he just laid there, filling his lungs with air what felt like poison with every breath he took. Basically useless. 

Dan stayed like that till his mother came in and told him to get up already. She always did this when he wasn’t up at a certain time, because she knew something was wrong then. If she wouldn’t do that, Dan probably would lie like that all day.

The last days he did get up in time because the buzzing of his phone would wake him up. Phil always texted him when he woke up, or he just couldn’t sleep which was annoying sometimes because then he would send an inhuman amount of texts to Dan at for example 5am in the morning.

When Dan finally got up he also checked his phone for texts as usual. He wasn’t really the type of person who would reply straight away, but he always texted Phil back immediately. Maybe he was comfortable with it or it was because even Phil’s texts made the boy grin like an idiot.

As usual there was at least one new message. Dan tapped on it as he yawned and put some socks on his feet. Indeed it was from Phil.

 

Phil: Good Morning! Hope you slept well ^-^

Dan had to smile a bit. Phil always used emojis in his texts, it was adorable. He quickly texted a ‘Yeah fine thx, and u?’ back as he put his phone on the charger and went into the bathroom to get ready for the day.

When he finished he threw over a black sweater and some grey pants he found on a chair. As he ruffled through his wet hair once more he went downstairs to make himself some cereal and sat down to watch something on TV while he ate. It was really relaxing when his parents weren’t at home. On the one side he could do whatever he wanted, on the other side he was fully alone with his demons. Nobody could stop him from overthinking or worse. His heart began to beat a bit faster, only the thought of it made him feel anxious. 

He tried to distract himself by watching some boring show on TV and scrolling down his tumblr, as he suddenly saw a new message popping up on his screen.

Phil: Good thank you. Glad you slept well :D 

As he read the text an idea popped into his mind. What about he would hang out with Phil today? He was slightly anxious because of just the idea but maybe it would help him.  
When he brought himself to text back he took in a deep breath and as quickly as possible hit the send button so he wasn’t able to think twice about this. So he ended up with sending Phil this;

Dan: Hey uhm … what are your plans for today?

He stood up and walked still tired into the kitchen to put his dishes away. He still felt his heart racing faster like it would explode every minute. That’s actually how he felt right now, like he was about to die every second. It was a long time since Dan asked someone to meet up with him. What if he would say no? Or he didn’t like Dan that much that he wanted to see him in his free time? What had he done? His heart made a really quick jump as he heard his phone buzzing one more time. He thought at first he got a heart attack, at least that’s how it felt to him. 

With shaky hands he opened the message to see what Phil’s answer was. He didn’t expect much actually, a lame excuse or just the truth that he didn’t like him.

Phil: Nothing so far. You maybe wanna meet? :) 

Dan’s mouth opened in shock as he read it. Did he just ask him to meet up? He couldn’t believe this. Happiness and Anxiety mixed up into a ball of confusion inside his body. He didn’t know what he felt, but he didn’t care to find it out, either. All that mattered was that Phil wanted to see him. 

Anxiously he began to text Phil back. Shaky fingertips hit the phone screen in seconds, till he finally brought himself to touch the ‘send’ button. 

Dan: Yeah sure that would be great. Meet me at my place then? :)

When he realised he forgot to text Phil his address he really wanted to slap himself. In one heartbeat he reached to his phone again and opened the chat of the two of them. Dan reacted a bit surprised when he saw Phil already texted him back.

Phil: Sure, but I still don’t know where you live :D Sorry, my magic isn’t strong enough to find it out by myself

Dan had to smile a bit at that answer. Phil was such a dork. He just stared at the text a few seconds and then sent his address to the other boy. 

After a while they both agreed to meet up at 3pm, so he still had got plenty of time till then.  
A normal person would just relax and watch some TV, but not Dan. Dan was really afraid of what would happen when Phil visits him. How would he react? What should they even do? What if Phil gets bored and it would be all Dan’s fault? 

So many questions that couldn’t be answered and he simply pushed aside. Dan had nothing to do anymore, he was already ready. So he just sat there, alone with his thoughts and fears without anybody to tell him that it’s going to be okay. Well, even if there was somebody, what would change that? He knew nobody could help him.

Nervously he tapped with his fingertips onto the wooden table in front of him in a rhythm that sounded like some kind of melody. He stopped as he realised that this just made him more nervous at a time.

Instead he just got up and walked up and down the room till he felt a bit dizzy. What even was he doing? Why was he so fucked up that he couldn’t just sit still or lie down for a nap? Once more he pushed all the unanswered questions aside and made his way up to his room to sit down on his bed and just stare at the wall; again. 

He felt nothing than fear and emptiness as he sat there. Pathetic, he thought to himself. His gaze flew across the room and stopped at his nightstand. Carefully he opened its drawer and pulled out a tiny bag and opened it without losing time. Hidden inside were some blades in another box. He pulled one outside and played with it between his fingers.

Should he risk it? Phil would come over in a few hours and he could maybe notice something. What if he would be disgusted or worse he wouldn’t want to see him ever again. His head felt like it burnt. He needed to feel something right now. To prove he was alive and not just a failure wandering this earth. Tears started streaming down his face. Anger pumped through his veins. He couldn’t even do that right. The pain in his head got less till it fully left his body. He couldn’t stop himself anymore.

*

Dan just stood there, watching his own blood dropping into the sink. The white ceramic slowly turning into one red mess. Then it hit him, he finally realised what he just did. “Fuck” he mumbled under his breath as he tried to clean everything up. Nobody should notice what he did. His parents thought he was clean. He put all the things into his drawer again and looked for some bandages. Desperation filled his mind as he saw there wasn’t much left. He put the thin layer onto his damages and prayed that it wouldn’t bleed through it that fast. 

One look at the clock and he felt a lump in his throat. It was nearly 3pm. 

Dan pulled his sleeve down in hurry and tried to make at least his bed, so it wouldn’t look too messy. Here and there he picked some clothes off of the floor and put them into his laundry basket. Totally out of breath the boy made his way downstairs to get rid of some dishes he just found in his room and put them into the dishwasher. And there it was; the door bell rang. 

Dan just reacted with a really confused but also slightly anxious look till he realised who stood behind that door. He first hesitated to go but then came to the point with his mind that he had no other choice. So Dan started walking, with again nothing other than fear in his mind. Carefully he opened the door just to see Phil with a huge smile behind it. Normally, Dan would have to run down the stairs of the building to open the front door, but it was usually not locked anyway. 

The brown-haired boy just stood there not really sure what to do till finally Phil spoke up.

“Hey, can I come in?” and even such a simple question sounded like the cutest thing ever to Dan. Now he just had to manage to answer him. 

“Eh uhm… sure, yes of course!” 

The other boy had to giggle a bit at Dan’s reaction and made his way into the apartment. So, he giggled, that was good, right? Or did he laugh at him? Dan just shook his head a little and closed the door. This was so awkward. He never knew what to do when someone visited him. Was he supposed to do something or did they even expect him to do something? He never knew that was for sure. 

But the awkward silence didn’t last long.

“It’s really pretty, your home. I like it.” Phil admitted while stroking his shoes off his feet and looking Dan directly into the eyes now. 

Dan didn’t really know how to react to that. Instead of thinking much longer about it he just smiled a bit and walked a bit faster to the stairs which led to his room. Phil followed the younger boy still smiling.  
Sheepishly Dan opened the door.

“So uhm…that’s my room. Make yourself at home.”

Not sure what to do next Dan just stood there and watched Phil who already wandered around in his room. Sometimes he would stop and comment some things he thought where really cool like the giant Muse poster Dan had in his room. Suddenly he stopped in front of the wall which had cracks in it. 

“This wall kinda looks sad don’t you think? How about hanging some pictures onto it?”

This was an idea Dan often had thought about, but he never had the motivation to do it, so he just left it like this. 

“Hm, I don’t know I was always too lazy to change it.” He confessed with a rather downcast expression as he sat down onto his bed.

Phil slightly chuckled and gave Dan a cheerful look as he reduced the space between them and sat down next to the other boy. For a moment they just stayed like that. Dan faced the ground as he slid with his feet above it, hands lousy folded on his lap. 

Phil on the other side looked at Dan with a concerned expression. Unsure how to react at Phil’s stare he just kept doing what he was doing anyways. All of a sudden Phil got up and walked over to his bag and grabbed something out of it. He gave Dan another cheerful smile and handed him something that looked like a piece of paper.

“I printed that for you. It’s from our last ‘Photo shooting’”, Dan took it and looked at it and memories started to pop up. It was the Photo of the llama and him.

“I thought it was really pretty and when I’m thinking about it now, it would be a good start for your wall, don’t you think?” Phil sat down again, now a bit closer to the other boy. He pointed a finger at the picture.

“You look very happy here. Look you can also see your little dimple.” Dan looked at it with an amused expression. It was the sneaky photo Phil took while the Llama sniffed at him.  
He placed the Photo on his nightstand next to his bed. 

“Thank you, it’s really well photographed. A real talent you got there, Philly” 

Phil’s expression turned quickly into confusion mixed with amusement. 

“Thank you, Danny boy. Hey how about we play some Mario kart?”

“Yeah sure, but I have to warn you, I’m pretty good at it.” Phil snorted a bit at this to mock Dan and whispered something like “We will see.” as the other boy prepared everything for the game. 

After some time of losing and winning, mostly losing, Phil chewed on his controller and shook his head in unbelief. 

“How can you be so good at this, that’s not fair!” He whined in frustration as he hit Dan slightly on the arm. 

Dan on the other side made a quiet noise in pain. Phil hit directly onto his wounds. He had to ignore it otherwise Phil would notice that something was wrong.

“I warned you.” The younger boy defended himself through gritted teeth. Phil seemed to notice that something wasn’t right with Dan and immediately began to worry about him.

“Hey what’s wrong?!” Phil was really concerned now. He didn’t know what was wrong or what he could do to help him.

“It’s nothing don’t worry”, Dan replied while forcing a little smile onto his face.

The other boy was really sceptical and didn’t believe him anyway. He was even more shocked when he saw blood pouring down Dan’s hand.

“Dan you are bleeding!”

Shit. Now everything was over, Dan couldn’t hide his secret anymore. He prepared himself for rejection and disgust. Lost of words Phil pulled up Dan’s sleeve to see the bleeding wounds and scars on the other boy’s arm. Dan didn’t stop him. Phil gently put the blood soaked bandage off Dan’s arm and got some tissues to clean it. Dan could do nothing but wonder. Why did he do this? Why wasn’t he disgusted and angry with him? Instead of asking he just sat in silence. 

The only thing he couldn’t unsee was Phil’s expression. He looked sad and worried. He didn’t look angry or anything like that, just worried. Dan never had seen this in someone’s face before, when they discovered what Dan did. He didn’t even know Phil that long, hell he just met him, and yet he was there, cleaning his wounds he wanted to hide forever. 

When Phil was done cleaning Dan’s arm, he put some big plasters on the wounds. All his moves were very gentle and careful; as if he didn’t want to hurt him or do something wrong Dan wasn’t comfortable with. 

Phil carefully stroke with a finger over Dan’s scars without saying a word. His face was still filled with concern and sadness. Dan didn’t want that, he didn’t want to see him like that just because of him. Finally, he took a deep breath and decided to say something.

“I’m sorry, I understand if you want to go or somethi-“

Dan didn’t get the chance to end his sentence properly, because Phil interrupted him.

“No Dan, I’m sorry. I’m sorry you are going through this. Listen, I’m here for you okay?”

The older boy put his hand on Dan’s and tried to give him an encouraging smile. Dan on the other hand was speechless. Nobody ever reacted like that. It was so unfamiliar that he didn’t know what to say or do. Instead he just stared at Phil in shock and unbelief. 

Phil managed to sense the awkward feeling that came from Dan and tried to cheer him up a bit.

“Hey, you know, the next time you harm yourself, I will kiss your wound. So better think about it twice”, he mocked the other boy whom he got a little giggle from in response. 

“Alright, doctor, whatever you say.”

“Oh? So I’m a doctor now, too? Doctor and magician, awesome.” 

 

This sentence made Dan laugh which in response he playfully pushed the other boy a bit aside. To hear Dan’s laugh melted Phil’s heart a bit, it was like performing a magic trick to him. And to be honest, he thought it was the best magic trick someone could possibly do. 

One look at the clock and Phil slightly jumped.

“Shit, I have to go. Sorry… but are you okay when I leave? If not then I will stay.” There it was again, the worried expression that made Dan’s stomach turn. 

“Nah, you know me, I’m fine.” 

“Stop lying, no you are not. Okay I will go but promise me to write when you need help, okay?”

 

Now Dan had to smile a bit. Phil was so adorable and caring it was too much for his heart to handle. 

“Sure, mom whatever you say”

In response he just got a little punch in the shoulder, but Phil was careful so he wouldn’t hurt him again.

Dan came with Phil to the door and waited till he was ready to go. He just noticed now that Phil was wearing two different socks. They had little foxes on them but one was white and one blue. He tried to fight back the smile that began to creep onto his face but he lost. 

When Phil was ready and Dan was about to close the door he suddenly felt someone hugging him. Phil was hugging him. He was so warm and Dan felt like the whole world just stopped. He felt safe and protected. When Phil let go and gave Dan a last smile before he went down the stairs, Dan stood there for a moment just looking into the empty hallway. 

Something inside him felt warm and cosy and he couldn’t do anything but smile. After clearing his mind again he went upstairs into his room to see the picture on his nightstand. He sat down and gave it another look. His heart still beat very fast. He grabbed some tape and hung the picture onto the right side of his blank wall. 

Later the evening he and Phil texted and even when he went to sleep, he felt happy and safe while looking at the picture.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaah i'm sorry i'm so late again.. pls don't give up on me p-p   
> Here we go I hope you all will like it :)   
> ( I was stuck in the middle of it for a long time, unsure how to go on but i hope it turned out okay)

A few days passed since Dan last saw Phil. Even if he didn’t saw him since he was at his apartment, Dan still felt cosy and warm when he thought of him. Thought of how good he smelled and how safe he felt when Phil hugged him. He also remembered how Phil’s eyes were filled with sadness when he looked at his scars. It was as if the usual sunshine filled eyes were suddenly greyer than ever. 

Whenever Dan thought of that he instantly felt sick. He didn’t want him to feel that way just because he was too stupid to hide it. First, he wanted to get up and go away, but the first problem was where was he supposed to go, it was his apartment, and second he couldn’t. He really tried but he couldn’t. Phil’s touch and the fact that he cared so much about him made him feel at least something. Something he hadn’t felt for a long time. 

Also, since Phil left he hadn’t done anything to himself. It was really difficult and at some points he nearly gave in, but he didn’t. And that’s what counted, right?

Phil also made sure of that. Every day he would ask Dan how he felt and what he would do the day. Sometimes he would even dare to ask him if he did anything to himself. Today he also did that, because he noticed that Dan was a bit off.

So Dan texted him that he as usual didn’t and that everything was fine. Sometimes, this wasn’t a lie, but Dan always felt a little guilty. “Fine” didn’t seem right to him. How do you explain someone how you feel, if you don’t feel anything at all?

Today was one of the days again where Dan would just lie in bed and stare holes into the ceiling. His parents didn’t say anything against that. It seemed like they didn’t notice or maybe they didn’t want to notice. Even when Dan slept peacefully this night, he still felt exhausted. He remembered the time when he slept and was fully energized the next day. He didn’t felt like that in years. It was like his battery was empty but he couldn’t charge it.

Silence filled the room, pressing down on his chest making it hard to breath. Sunshine filled the room but for Dan it seemed like the whole room was dark. Sunshine didn’t exist anymore, at least not how he saw it a while back. For him, everywhere he went was darkness and monsters surrounding him. 

He often wondered when it would stop, or if it would stop at all. Dan was tired of feeling like this, being the victim of his self called curse every second.   
One single vibration of his phone dragged him into the real world again away from his thoughts.   
Lazily he reached for it and his face lit a little bit up when he saw that it was a message from Phil.   
With his heart pumping a bit faster now he opened it.

Phil: I’m glad you didn’t hurt yourself. I’m proud of you, Dan. 

And with those words he lost it. It was pathetic to cry because of this, nearly idiotic, but nobody was proud of Dan since ever he felt like that. 

*  
*

Now it was the time of the week again: art class. His Anxiety never made it easy for him to go there, but he was always really excited to see Phil again. Since he last saw him he always wanted to just run to him and hug him or just see him. Didn’t really matter, the only thing that mattered was that he could see him.

When he entered the room and sat down he did nothing but look around and search for Phil. Nervously he chew on his nails as he did and hoped he didn’t look like a total idiot now. He probably did anyways. 

He was so deep in his thoughts that he didn’t seem to notice the presence next to him. Suddenly, he felt a slight touch on his shoulder and jumped when he realized what just happened. 

“Sorry I didn’t want to scare you, here I brought your canvas and some colours for you, too”

It was Phil. Of course it was Phil. Exactly in the moment Dan looked probably like a total lost Loser Phil arrived and he didn’t even notice. He really struggled with the desire to bang his head onto the table or run in front of a wall. 

At least he managed to get an awkward “Oh Thanks” out of his mouth. Phil just smiled at him and nodded in response. When Phil smiled it felt like the whole world abruptly stopped. How could someone be so adorable by just simply smiling? And there also were his eyes. Oh god, his eyes. The bluest blue Dan had ever seen. So bright and they suited him so well. 

A big wave of embarrassment hit him when he realised he was staring for a long time. Well, he definitely had to throw himself in front of a bus by the end of this day. His cheeks warmed up a bit when he realised how awkward that must have looked. What a beautiful day.

As if that wasn’t enough of embarrassment Phil now turned his head to Dan. He seemed to notice the now big blush on Dan’s cheeks and laughed a bit with a huge grin on his face. Wow, perfect it couldn’t be better. Of course Dan made a fool out of himself again. He should get an award for that, honestly. He rested his head in his palms so it wasn’t that obvious. 

But Phil just wouldn’t stop looking at him. He silently still giggled in his hands and Dan couldn’t stop to just blush more. Finally he made this nightmare an end.

“What?” He murmured as confident as he could manage to sound.

Phil in response just grinned more “Nothing, you are cute when you are embarrassed.” 

And with that he faced his painting again and filled some paint into a cup. Dan on the other side didn’t really know what to think of that. Did he just call him cute? Immediately his stomach felt warm and nice again and his heart began to pump a bit quicker. What the hell was wrong with him? Phil was just being nice, that’s all. 

As he stared at his black canvas in front of him and thought of what he should do with it he listened to the soft sound of a brush sliding over the canvas next to him. It was really satisfying to listen to. Phil put so much effort into his painting it was incredible. He always felt a bit bad when he compared his crappy black one with the colourful painting of Phil. It had a really good structure and looked really stunning. When Dan looked over at Phil he was a bit shocked at what colour he was painting with. 

“Why are you using brown?”

Phil quickly looked over to face Dan and had a kind of confused expression.

“Why not?”

“Well, it’s the most boring colour ever.”

Dan’s eyes were also brown and he hated them. He always did. Brown was nothing special and he always asked himself how someone could ever fall in love with them. All in all they were nothing someone could enjoy to look at.

“What are you talking about? Brown is really interesting. Mix every colour together and you will get brown.” Phil really seemed to like this colour, but why.

Dan had a rather annoyed expression playing on his face now and he got a bit angry about it. Brown was like a curse to him. He had to live with those eyes and he hated it so much.   
Phil noticed Dan’s moody change and seemed like he would… analyze him?

“Your eyes are beautiful, Dan. If that’s what it’s about.” He told him in the gentlest tone. 

“You have no idea. They are the most boring thing I have ever seen.” Dan snapped back. He really wanted to disappear when he realised how rude he sounded. When he was ready to apologize Phil already spoke up.

“Your eyes are not boring, Dan. They keep every colour inside of them. It’s beautiful.”

These were the most beautiful words Dan had ever heard someone say about his eyes. He couldn’t do anything but smile a bit with a moved expression as he looked at the table again. Fully speechless he just smiled into nothing till he managed to stutter an at least not so bad sounding “Thank you, Phil.” 

For some time, Dan would just sit there and study Phil, without being too obvious. He also decided to paint his picture with some colour. He wanted the blue Phil’s eyes were, but it wasn’t there so he just began to mix some colours so he would get it. 

During that they talked and sometimes Phil would tell Dan what his eyes made him think of. He told him that they reminded him of hot chocolate and cold autumn days where you just sit on a couch in a warm sweater. Also, the leaves in October and hazel- and chestnuts you collected as a kid. He sounded so passionate as he told that and it was just gorgeous to Dan. 

They kept on talking the whole time and in the end Dan was nearly ready with mixing his colour. He just needed one little drop of white to finish it completely. As he reached for the bottle he once more looked at Phil’s eyes. They were breathtaking. What the younger boy didn’t notice was that the bottle of paint wasn’t closed properly and with one wrong move he dropped it. Yes, he dropped it onto his shirt. With an a bit too loud “Crap” he jumped off his chair and faced the disaster he just made. 

Only a few seconds after that, Phil also got off his chair as fast as he could without tripping, and helped Dan to clean the floor. Just then he realised that not only the floor but also Dan’s shirt was covered in paint.

He ran to their art teacher and then came back and literally dragged Dan out of the room into the bathroom with him. 

“Okay, quick. We have to wash that out quickly because otherwise it won’t come out later”

Phil acted like a big parent and Dan just couldn’t help but laugh a bit. He acted like Dan had just a few seconds left to life or something. Non-the-less he tried to hold the fabric of his sweater in the sink so he could wash it out. 

“It would be easier if you just took it off and hold it under it then”

After Phil realised how awkward that sounded he quickly added a short “I can leave the room if that makes you uncomfortable of course!” and just tried to look anywhere else except at Dan. 

Dan on the other hand just stood there like a wounded deer not sure what to do. He was really insecure about his body and the fact that it was Phil who stood next to him, the really really adorable and pretty Phil, didn’t really make it better.

But there also was the fact that Dan didn’t want to make Phil feel like an idiot. So, he took a deep breathe and pulled the shirt over his head. His head probably looking like a big tomato right now, judging by the fact that the embarrassment he felt could probably already be seen in the air. 

He at least tried to bring out an “No, it’s fine” as understandable as possible so he could signalize Phil that he could stay and that he wasn’t such a weirdo. 

The whole time he looked down at his shirt and listened to the sound of the water pouring into the sink so he could push the fact away that he was exposed in front of Phil. 

After a few minutes of silence Phil dared to take a few steps closer to the other boy and help him to wash out the paint. During that Dan often felt Phil’s eyes on him which didn’t help the situation. To hide his shaking hands he just pulled the shirt out of the water and put it on the heating to dry. 

After a few more minutes of awkward silence they heard footsteps outside the door followed by a knock and their teacher informing them that they had to leave now.   
Great. Dan’s shirt was soaking wet, and the nights are always cold outside. This day was just prefect. Nervously he looked into his bag which he brought with him for some jacket he could just wear instead of the sweater. Of course, he hadn’t one with him. So he just stood there, half naked without a clue what to do next. It seemed like he had to freeze to death now. What actually would be really helpful right now. His eyes wandered around the room but then stopped on Phil who was just taking his sweater off. Dan just noticed now that Phil had another shirt underneath. 

“Here you can wear mine. It’s freezing outside you will just get sick. I always have another shirt under it in case it gets too warm”, He gave Dan an encouraging smile and handed his sweater over to him.

Sheepishly Dan took it and put it on. It smelled amazing and as he looked closer he saw that it had a pug on it with the quote “Pugs not drugs.” The sight of it just made him laugh quietly. He looked over to the other boy with a thankful smile playing on his lips and thanked him for it right away. 

He put his wet shirt into his bag and they were finally ready to leave. Outside of the building Dan still felt a bit bad about the situation. Just because he was such a clumsy idiot Phil had to give him his shirt now. Also, his head hurt a bit from all the mixed up emotions he felt. 

The sweater was warm and protected him from the ice cold winds that attacked them as they walked home together. As they walked quietly next to each other Dan looked on the ground as if it was the most interesting thing he had ever seen and once more tried to apologize.

“Hey, uhm, I’m sorry about taking your sweater. You must be cold now.” As he spoke he immediately felt bad again and had a rather sad expression masking his face.

“It’s fine, really. Don’t worry it’s not that far to my house anymore. I can handle. I’m a magician, remember?”

Dan had to smile at that. Phil seemed to always know how to cheer him up, he truly was a magician. 

“Alright you spork, thanks for reminding me again” He mocked the older boy.

The rest of the way both of them just walked silently but with a big smile on their faces which was hidden by the darkness outside. But it didn’t matter. Both of them knew that it was there.   
Finally, they arrived at the spot they had to go other directions. For a while they just stood there looking on the ground till Dan heard a rather quiet giggle which followed by a big hug from Phil. 

Dan also wrapped his arms around his waist and snuggled his head into the other boy’s shoulder. And for that moment, he felt safe. Phil closed the space between them more and his grip tightened a bit. Dan did the same and if it was up to him, he would never let go. He just wanted this to never end. The warmth coming from Phil’s body also made it bearable to stay like this forever in the cold night.

After a while Phil let go first and looked into Dan’s eyes for a second with such a calm and loving expression. Dan quickly broke the eye contact shyly and faced the ground again. He just felt Phil’s hands around his arms as they brushed down to his hands and stayed there for now.

“Good night, Space boy.” Phil said in the gentlest tone Dan had ever heard. He squeezed the other boy’s hands and then went off into the other direction, leaving Dan totally speechless on the other street. He put his palm on his mouth to stop him from screeching or something like that. Phil’s sweater still smelled like him and Dan couldn’t help but smile. 

Maybe the day wasn’t as bad as he thought.

**Author's Note:**

> This actually is my first ever fanfiction and i'm really sorry if it isn't really good..  
> Comments and Kudos would mean a lot to me, and thank you so much for reading! :)
> 
> Also a special Thanks to @Planetninja , because without her I wouldn't have started writing this and thank you so much for all your support!


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